Reject Rejection

2004-11-14T19:47:00.000-08:00

Consider this perspective about rejection: When any woman says 'No', to one of your intriguing introductions, or original 'lines' - remember this. She is rejecting the concept of 'YOU'. 'YOU' being the collective 'YOU'. The two of 'YOU'. That is far different from rejecting you personally. I'll say it again. The rejection is that of the combination she perceives you both to be. In the same way that the combination of two chemicals creates a 3rd unique chemical, she rejects the combination chemical. And that is that.

Allow me to prove my theory. You know within minutes, if not seconds that you could not 'be' with someone. You know within minutes when you have no basis for compatibility. We all know immediately when we don't like a painting, a song, a job description, or a potential mate. Does this make the painting, the song, the job, or the person worthless. Will the next person in line take and make these very things the object of their affection, their time, their attention and devotion? YE-ESS! Thank goodness! Do all things really have to be all things for all people? We can all agree on this absurdity.

We all reject for valid reasons. The crazy thing is that all reasons for rejections are valid. Their validity is not because they are noble and wise, but because they exist.

A woman who rejects a guy because she perceives him to have an income beneath her required ceiling, can be accused of being a gold digger, but not for having invalid reasons. A man who does not pursue a woman with whom he likes in every way, but rejects as a potential partner, because she is unattractive, can be accused of being shallow, but not of having invalid reasons.

Don't argue the reasons for rejection in your mind. Don't get angry. Do not accuse the rejector of unkindness, assume negative attributes on them, or call them names. DO NOT STOOP TO THIS LEVEL, lest you give them solid reason to reject you!

On the contrary, embrace the 'rejection'. We have no way of posting our likes, and desires in a mate on a billboard. We certainly cannot carry a sign around. The only way to communicate this instinct, this chemistry, or the lack of it - is to state it at the point of proposal. Some of us are kinder than others, but the need for rejection is understated, and understandably undervalued.

You may be attracted to someone. You may put yourself out there and put your chemicals on the table. She or he may know that your chemicals combined with their chemicals, won't create something that interests them.

Could he or she be wrong? NEVER. And I'll prove it. Memorize this saying: "It takes two 'Yeses' to make a 'Yes', but only one 'No' to make a 'No'."

Do you really need, or care about why the No is a No? You only need to be thankful, you hear it now, rather than later.

A rejection should be considered what it is, the rejection of the thought of 'US'. What is so personal about that? Nothing. Remember that You + Me = Us. My rejection of you, has as much to do with me as it does you. Have you got that? You + Me = Us.

I don't care how beautiful, or handsome, or rich, or funny, or wonderful the 'No' is. You can only live, and love, and share when there is an 'Us'. Too many people work very hard, for very long to make the 'No' work. Why?

For those of you who are blinded by the need, need I mention the word 'timing', as an honest and sincere motive for rejection? If you must live in rejection land, you can use this road to get out: Pretend that all rejection is a matter of timing.

It's your choice, to either stay in fear of rejection, or embrace it as a useful tool to be used by you, and for you.

How to Find the Right Mate for You

2004-11-14T18:41:00.000-08:00

I worked with a computer geek not too long ago, who was looking for miss 'right' around every corner. He was finding everything but! One day he asked me what he was doing wrong. I gave him the simplest answer, but admittedly the hardest thing to do. I told him to "Stop looking for miss 'right' around every corner, and start being the man that would attract her." Think about the wisdom in this. Chew on it. Digest it. And tell me if you find any flaw in this statement.

Most people, look, look, and look until they 'find' someone. The 'find' represents the person they are attracted to. They proceed to put forth themselves as a person the 'find' would like. If this is you, I say: Are you kidding? Back up and start over.

First of all, you've got it all wrong. The object of the dating game, is not to 'win' the other person over. It's not to convince them that you are the person for them. The best objective in the early dating game is to eliminate your self from those who would eliminate you. How novel!

I don't mean you should necessarily practice the behaviors of the girl in 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days', but you get the point. You are not trying to cause him to be disgusted, you just want him to know the real you. Why, because you don't want someone who doesn't want the real you, right? I said, right? C'mon now. Slap yourself in the face and snap out of it. In the end (and there will be an end), the real you comes out in the wash. If you are sick enough to manage this facade for years (as many of us have), the frustration you feel will come out of your pores.

After all, you don't want a relationship, simply for the relationship sake, do you? Isn't the price one pays for this too costly? And the audience said: 'Heck yeah!'. But only the audience who has been liberated from such foolishness.

The alternative routine, is incredibly the last thing the average person does. Building yourself up, finding out what you like, developing a great passion, enjoying a pleasureable hobby, living life, embracing friends and new experiences - seems so cliche. But have you actually done this?

The person who finds it difficult to work on him/herself, and chooses rather to put the focus on the prize, is sorely dissapointed over time when these things have to be attended to anyway. Yes, eventually my friend, THEY WILL HAVE TO BE ATTENDED TO ANYWAY.

Remember the girl in 'Runaway Bride'? Do you like whatever eggs, your 'find' likes? Please!

The truth is this: Even if the facade is made up of commendable behaviors, it will crumble over time. The 'find' who enjoyed the facade in the beginning, will eventually lose whatever respect he had for you in the beginning. I use the word respect loosely, because people's intuitions are usually right on (although we are practiced at dismissing it).

You may be willing to 'sell out' now, because you have greater needs. But a sell out is a sell out. Remember the time you spend in the facade, or selling out - could be spent on making yourself attractive. The more time you have to do this, the better.

'Snagging' someone rather than being 'attractive' to them ties up time spent, rather than time invested.

See my article on Rejection: 'Reject Rejection' to help you lose the fear of being yourself.

Dr. Phil, Watch Out

Reject Rejection

How to Find the Right Mate for You